Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hey! I got your post count - right Here!

 

What a great family story.

 

People like your family made up the fabric of NYC for a long time. They didn't have much - but they kept their self-respect. They also cared for their parents and grandparents.

 

Things have changed.

 

I grew up mostly in CT - in a very mixed neighborhood. I had Italian, Polish, Jewish, German, Black, and Hispanic neighbors. I gravitated toward the Italians - very passionate - very protective - and very good to have on your side. Nobody "messed" with me, Gabeesh? :hysterical:

 

I like where I live now very much - but I do miss the cultural diversity of CT - and the Pizza! :happy feet:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:hysterical2:

 

Old Imp, I have to remember that one... I love it! (and Gino and Luigi were seen with milk coming out of their noses ;-)

 

:hysterical2:

 

 

....

 

Two fishermen rent a boat and paddle way out on the lake and hit a huge catch... they're reeling 'em in one after another all afternoon.

 

At the end of the day the boat is full and they're already making plans to return the next day as they start to row back.

 

Bubba asks "how we gonna find this spot tomorow?" So Billy Bob puts a big X in chalk on the bottom of the boat! ...to which Bubba remarks: You stupid :censored: hole, Billy Bob; what happens if we don't get the same boat?!"

 

:doh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! I got your post count - right Here!

 

What a great family story.

 

People like your family made up the fabric of NYC for a long time. They didn't have much - but they kept their self-respect. They also cared for their parents and grandparents.

 

Things have changed.

 

I grew up mostly in CT - in a very mixed neighborhood. I had Italian, Polish, Jewish, German, Black, and Hispanic neighbors. I gravitated toward the Italians - very passionate - very protective - and very good to have on your side. Nobody "messed" with me, Gabeesh? :hysterical:

 

I like where I live now very much - but I do miss the cultural diversity of CT - and the Pizza! :happy feet:

 

 

For sure.. I still visit the old neighborhood.... my buddy with the '01 Cobra still lives there, I know him since I was 5; went to school together; played in bands together... We still get together a few times a year to just chill and hang...

 

Your neighborhood in CT sounds very similar.... man the rich ethnic food smells around dinnertime wafting through the neighborhood are permanently burned into my memory -- I'll probably forget my name before that!

 

I used to travel to the Raleigh area often -- still have some friends down there but they usually come up this-a-way. I remember back when you couldn't get a bagel anywhere in Raleigh (sir, would you like a honeybun instead!). Gradually everything is everywhere! The malls all look the same... Cheez! it's so wrong... Gabeesh?

 

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Iceman: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

 

Good form!

 

68: yeah - when I drove big trucks in the '70s-early '90s - I used to look forward to eating/sleeping in towns that had family places. Now - it's all the same. Cracker Barrell syndrome.

 

Cable TV - the Internet - and doctors/lawyers with too much money are responsible for the homogenization/strip malling of America. Sad.

 

The area I live in, though, is small enough wherein things haven't changed as quickly as the urban sprawl markets have. It's coming - but we still have "how it was."

 

Many of my students still come from commercial fishing families - or farming families. And they still have their family traditions.

 

I've helped some of them get their stories published in our local newspaper. If you'd like to read a few, here's the link:

http://www.beaufortccc.edu/news/publisheds...dentstories.htm

 

Bryan

 

One of my favorites is Chad Cutler's "Sunday Dinner."

Edited by RUFDRAFT

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No. I meant "Gabeesh."

 

I know how to spell, my friend. :bandance:

 

I spell it as it sounds. Comprende?

 

I almost married a Siclian - and trust me on this (I swear to my kids) - no one in that Family ever pronounced it as "Kap-eesh."

 

You got a problem with dat? :hysterical:

 

Further - I don't give a Ratz-F**King azz about your link!

 

You know what I'm talkin' about?

 

Who are you? A F**King Linguist? :hysterical:

Edited by RUFDRAFT

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Iceman: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

 

Good form!

 

68: yeah - when I drove big trucks in the '70s-early '90s - I used to look forward to eating/sleeping in towns that had family places. Now - it's all the same. Cracker Barrell syndrome.

 

Cable TV - the Internet - and doctors/lawyers with too much money are responsible for the homogenization/strip malling of America. Sad.

 

The area I live in, though, is small enough wherein things haven't changed as quickly as the urban sprawl markets have. It's coming - but we still have "how it was."

 

Many of my students still come from commercial fishing families - or farming families. And they still have their family traditions.

 

I've helped some of them get their stories published in our local newspaper. If you'd like to read a few, here's the link:

http://www.beaufortccc.edu/news/publisheds...dentstories.htm

 

Bryan

 

One of my favorites is Chad Cutler's "Sunday Dinner."

 

 

yeah, RUF, we're still rural here too. I looked at a few of your students works... very cool... in tact... much like here. Gotta make you proud to know you're having such an effect helping people learn to express themselves through the art of word imagery. So many kids today are having difficuly with reading comprehension because they never had someone helping them with writing expression. Video games don;t teach you that!

 

Sunday Dinner was great... brings back so many memories.... the intact family used to be universal

.

Edited by 68fastback

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming." What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts "

 

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

Texas Chili Contest

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Minneapolis, MN.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

 

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

 

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY..! ..

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

Edited by oldimp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mississippi Gas prices!

 

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week!"

Edited by oldimp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mississippi Gas prices!

 

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week!"

:hysterical::roses:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week!"

 

 

Free sex Bubba joke.... priceless!

 

:hysterical2::hysterical2::hysterical2:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oldlimp: you have ENTIRELY too much time on your hands! :bandance:

 

But you have a very large repository of humurous tales. Keep 'em comin! :happy feet:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Free sex Bubba joke.... priceless!

 

:hysterical2::hysterical2::hysterical2:

 

 

--------------------

 

This fellow is really constipated for days, so he goes to the doctor.

 

The doctor give suppositories and tells him to insert one each day in his rectum.

 

When he gets home he asks his wife: "honey, what's a rectum?" and his wife tells him "that's the place priests live."

 

So the next morning, on his way to work, he stops by the rectory, and, confiused as to exactly what he should do to comply with the docs instructions, opens a foil packet, and squeezes a suppository through the mailslot on the rectory door.

 

This goes on every day for 5 days at which point the guy calls the doctor in agony: "Doc, you gotta help me; I've followed your instructions every day, but I think I'm gonna explode."

 

The Doc is amazed that the suppositories are having no affect and asks the man if he is really following the directions, to which the man, in great pain, replies "yes, I have, every day... but for all the good they did I could have shoved 'em up my :censored:."

Edited by 68fastback

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Catholic guy goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

 

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Mary's."

 

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

 

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

 

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

 

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

 

At Mass the next Sunday morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

 

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly apart.

 

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

 

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming." What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts "

 

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

Texas Chili Contest

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Minneapolis, MN.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY..! ..

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

 

Oldimp:

 

If there is a prize for the best joke it should go to you HANDS DOWN the "Texas Chili Contest is hysterical.

 

Thanks Keep them coming

Shelby 001

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oldimp:

 

If there is a prize for the best joke it should go to you HANDS DOWN the "Texas Chili Contest is hysterical.

 

Thanks Keep them coming

Shelby 001

 

 

Shelby 001,

 

I can't tell you how many times I have read through that thing and it still cracks me up! One of my favorites!

 

-------

 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

 

"Thanks," the girl says.

 

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

 

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, ... but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with the Devil.

 

The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"

 

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

 

"Hell's not so bad," the Devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

 

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

 

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

 

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

 

"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.

 

"You better believe it!"

 

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

 

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

 

The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

 

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

 

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

 

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

 

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

 

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

 

The Devil said, "You gay?"

 

"No."

 

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No. I meant "Gabeesh."

 

I know how to spell, my friend. :bandance:

 

I spell it as it sounds. Comprende?

 

I almost married a Siclian - and trust me on this (I swear to my kids) - no one in that Family ever pronounced it as "Kap-eesh."

 

You got a problem with dat? :hysterical:

 

Further - I don't give a Ratz-F**King azz about your link!

 

You know what I'm talkin' about?

 

Who are you? A F**King Linguist? :hysterical:

 

 

 

Yeah, a cunning linguist.

 

Oh, and while I'm glad that Hooked-on-phonics worked for you, you might want to take some remedial lessons in Spanish conjugation. :poke:

 

 

Good thing you came to your senses about marrying a "siclian." :hysterical:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Down at the local drug store a lady walks up to the pharmacist and asks for a bottle of cyanide.

 

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Edited by oldimp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

 

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

 

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office....

 

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:

What's the difference between a smart little kid and a female trackstar?

 

The smart little kid is a cunning runt!

 

:hysterical2:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

 

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

 

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

 

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from SC, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two 85 year old women were sitting outside the nursing home having a cigarette when it began to rain. One pulled out a condom, cut the end off, placed it over her lit cigarette and continued to smoke in the rain. The other lady was quite impressed and decided she needed some as well. She went to the drug store and asked the pharmicist for a box of condoms. He was somewhat taken by her request but did manage to ask what brand she preferred. She replied, "I don't care what brand they are just make sure they'll fit a Camel." :wacko: :wacko:

 

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane

to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap

shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old

cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

 

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more

quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So,

let's talk."

 

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd

be all right. What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm,

"How about nuclear proliferation?"

 

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to

belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a

question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff-- grass.

Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a

horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

 

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it

that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear proliferation when you don't know s^*t."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jack and Mary are having financial problems after Jack's recent injury but feel if they don't snap-up the MSRP offer they have on a GT500 by next weekend they'll never own the car they've both desired for so long -- the prospects look dim and they're over $8,000 shy, but Mary tenuously proposes a solution: "Jack, now don't take this wrong, but if I went downtown and turned tricks for the weekend I think I can raise the money and if you don't mind...."

 

Jack's not sure it's such a good idea, he's afraid she'll regret it later, but it's a GT500 so he agrees.

 

Mary heads into downtown on Friday evening and upon returning on Sunday night sees Jack is waiting for her in the driveway.

 

"So how did it go" he asks, fearing the answer either way, but Mary's sly little grin tips Jack off to her success.

 

"I made $8,510 -- we're home free!" Mary exclaims.

 

Jack is dumfounded; Mary's a looker but this he never expected -- he's also curious so asks Mary "You gotta tell me, who gave you the $10?"

 

Mary exclaims "Duh, Jack, all of them"

 

 

<bod-a-bing>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"All of them!" Good one!

 

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

 

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

 

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

 

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

 

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here, got anymore tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...