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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."

 

 

 

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

 

 

 

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

 

 

 

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

 

 

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here

 

Had to read it twice but :hysterical2: :hysterical2: :hysterical2: :hysterical2:

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I

won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a

nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your

immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

 

A smart-a$$ student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual

exhaustion?'

 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

 

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook

her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

other hand.'

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A father was walking with his 5 year old son through the park and they came across 2 dogs going at it.

 

The boy asks:

"Dad, what are those dogs doing?"

 

The father is taken aback, and thinking quick on his feet, replies:

"Son, that dog on top has a hurt leg and the one on the bottom is helping him to the hospital."

 

The son looks up and says:

"Gee Dad, is that why you get screwed every time you help a friend."

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An Italian Mama

Mama Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for Christmas eve dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

 

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

 

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

 

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

 

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

 

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

 

Your Loving Mama

 

Moral: Never Bulla Shita you Mama

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Teacher : If you have 10 chocolate cakes

and

someone asks for 2,

How many do u have left?

 

Little Johnny: 10

 

Teacher: Ok, Well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes,

how many would u have left then ?

 

Little Johnny : 10 and a dead body.

Edited by Brice007

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he

noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders

hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

 

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

 

The firefighter looked a little closer. The

girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's

testicles.

 

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to

run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I

think you could go faster. '

 

The little girl replied thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

 

 

I thought that I could love no other

 

Until, that is, I met your brother.

 

 

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

 

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

 

empty, and so is your head.

 

 

 

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

 

If only you could hide your face.

 

 

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

 

This describes everything you are not.

 

 

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace,

 

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

 

 

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

 

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

 

 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

 

Marrying you really screwed up my life.

 

 

 

I see your face when I am dreaming.

 

That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

 

 

My love, you take my breath away.

 

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

 

 

 

My feelings for you no words can tell

 

Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."

 

 

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

 

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

 

 

 

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

 

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he

noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders

hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

 

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

 

The firefighter looked a little closer. The

girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's

testicles.

 

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to

run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I

think you could go faster. '

 

The little girl replied thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

:hysterical2:

 

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

 

 

I thought that I could love no other

 

Until, that is, I met your brother.

 

 

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

 

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

 

empty, and so is your head.

 

 

 

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

 

If only you could hide your face.

 

 

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

 

This describes everything you are not.

 

 

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace,

 

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

 

 

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

 

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

 

 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

 

Marrying you really screwed up my life.

 

 

 

I see your face when I am dreaming.

 

That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

 

 

My love, you take my breath away.

 

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

 

 

 

My feelings for you no words can tell

 

Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."

 

 

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

 

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

 

 

 

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

 

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

:hysterical2:

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I have this on my Cube Wall in large Font:

 

Todays short reading from the Bible........From Genesis:

'and God promised Men that "Good and Obedient Wives" would be found in all corners of the Earth'.

 

Then He made the Earth Round..................

 

and then He laughed and laughed and laugh!

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